About --
Me, Myself and I : I think that if you are reading think you probably know me by now, but if not, then : My friend called me X, yeah, must be the left over from my X-Philes day, I think I still am, really. So, it's X. What I do for a living is not really important, just know that most of the time it's boring. My favorite things to do... I read, a lot, and I write, some. I watch a lot of movie (certain kind of movie) and a lot of anime, yes Japanese Anime. I got a collection of them and also what I tried to watch with fansub on week to week basis (which is a lot) and go out and get the ones I like when it actually licenced and out in my neck of the wood.
Movies and Tv Show, oh yeah, those are the 'must' for me. I watch at least 10 shows each week, so that's a lot of TV right there, as for movie I tried to see them (the ones I'm interested in, which is easy to say that it doesn't include comedy or romance in anyway).
Music : NIN, Staind, Taking Back Sunday, Chevelle, Disturbed, P.Roach, Mary Elizabeth McGlyn, Evanescence, Finch, I think you kinda get the idea.
Books : murder mysteries, fantasy, horror, sci-fi, slash blah blah blah....
Layout --
Poster Girls : Sarah Connor and Cameron Philips
Series : Terminator : The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Program : The always faithful Photoshop and Dreamweaver, because I can't code everything by hand, just don't have that kind of patient.
Previous Post --
Status: just hangin'
Listen: All For You [ Our La...
Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mute...
I am everything you want
I am everything you need...
I slipped away further from you trying to find wha...
Status: well... it's late
Listen: nothing... real...
Memory. Freedom. Thoughts. Intellect.Take the quiz...
Status: ---
Watching: Blue Sonnet
Got incense ...
Status: more than ready for bed
Listen: nothing
...
Morning, day, or night? quiz by maikamariel
as the nightside called for my name
from the land...
Archive --
January 2002
February 2002
March 2002
April 2002
May 2002
June 2002
July 2002
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
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March 2003
April 2003
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January 2009
April 2009
June 2009
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August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
March 2010
/
July 26, 2002
Status: needed...
Listen: Whole [ Flaw ]
here is where I wanted to say, I don't know.
I don't know why I am still here. I don't know why I still hanging around when all that had been happening giving me nothing but grieve. Sure there were moments that I was happy, but it was rare enough. I don't know what started this, maybe it's her, maybe it's me, maybe it's us. We both started it, and one of us backed off... and left, but that 'one' wasn't me. I don't know why it is her and not someone else. It could've been so many other people, except the fact that I don't look around, I don't feel the need to have someone in my life, didn't feel that before and I don't now, and probably won't for a long time, except I wanted her. I don't know how we got to this point. It seemed to be just all fun for her, just that, it all dragged on and I let it. I don't know what make me stay. I don't know why I didn't just leave. I should've left a long time ago when she backed out the first time, traded me off for someone else. Someone she said that she thought has the similar personality as my own. That would be trading off. Excuse like that doesn't make me feel any better. I don't know why she did what she did and I don't know what she is thinking. I'd like to but unable. I can never guess what she wanted at any given time. And no matter how many times I try, I still couldn't fathom it. I don't know what she wants, or what I want for that matter only that she is a part of it, but I don't know what I am to her. Maybe I am just a safe place, someone she could come to without the fear of getting hurt, because I would never willingly hurt her, emotionally, mentally, or physically. But when it is time for me to leave, to just go, then I won't be worry about that. Though it will hurt me more than it will ever hurt her.
A friend said ... if she cares then should that not be enough. It would be enough, for a while. A long while, maybe. But eventually it will not be. Eventually even I will feel the need for more and what then?
X
2:31:00 AM
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